I push open the door and approach the desk.
‘How can I help?’
‘Er I’m looking for free condoms…’
Yes I am that tight.
‘Do you have any preference?’
‘What are the options?’
‘Regular, large, just different sizes.’
And there, in the foyer of Soho’s express sexual health clinic, I find myself contemplating the size of Tom‘s manhood.
‘Large? No maybe…’
Are condoms one of those things it’s best to buy on the small side? I look round. There’s a guy – staff I think – hovering nearby. But this really isn’t one of those things where you can ask for a second opinion. I wonder fleetingly what you’re supposed to do if you need condoms before you’ve seen someone naked.
‘… regular?’ I wind up. ‘Or… can I have some of both?’
He must think I’m planning a quickie back at the office. Actually, judging by his expression, he’s not thinking anything at all.
‘It’s one pack per person,’ he says.
‘Erm… I don’t really know how this works. I mean, I do, but… this is surreal!’
He looks mildly bored. Hosiery sizing charts swim into my mind. For a mad moment I consider asking him how condom sizing works.
Five minutes later I leave with my allotted pack and walk back in the direction of the office.